Tears, Broken Wings, and a lot of Rosés

I guess I can say for all that 2020 was a shitty year. Like real shitty. 

First, the pandemic hit America, and everyone went into quarantine. Schools shut down, most of us were out of work for months, and deaths of the ones we love (COVID or not) occurred. Then the stress of the election happened (do not get me started on that shit). Finally, we all had our bombs going off.

Despite being autistic, I have been told that I have a tremendous amount of resilience, and I had seen that myself for the first time when the first wave of the virus happened. I found myself being at peace, being stuck in my apartment, and being out of work for two months (with occasional visits back home). It was rather odd because it is common to see autistic not doing well with changes in routine. However, I worried about my autistic friends who are not as resilient as I am and even read news articles about an autistic woman tragically taking her own life due to the stress of the sudden change of pace. But even my ability to adapt was not my saving grace for my soul.

Earlier in the year, I got back together with an ex-boyfriend, and things were going well at the beginning (despite the pandemic and him being at military boot camp). I thought that this time was it and that we were going on the right track. Boy, did I learn my lesson about getting back with ex-partners. I would later find myself heartbroken, lying on my bathroom floor in an emotional mess, and questioning not only the relationship, but I also ended up questioning myself. 

What was said in our last argument before breaking up made me a victim of imposter syndrome. I began questioning my achievements as a disabled person. Did I actually earn my first degree? Was I actually smart enough to earn my place in a university? Am I a good employee at my place of employment? Or was all that just given to me? I can not say for sure, but I would not be surprised if I hear that other autistic people suffer bouts of imposter syndrome because we live in a society where it is so ableist that people will just hand us stuff just to make us feel good. 

Just when I got over the breakup itself, I received news that my grandfather was dying. So after taking my exams early and taking time off from work (all with permission), my father and I drove up to my grandparent’s house in another state just to see him before he passes. I will admit, I am still processing his death on Christmas Day, so I am not comfortable sharing the extreme details and thoughts leading up to the day, but I will mention one thing: that man was stubborn until his last breath. I know I got my stubbornness from my parents, and dad passed on what was passed to him from my grandfather to me I will never forget the fact that the last place of strength he had was his hand. He squeezed everyone’s hands and held on a good grip.

Breakups, family deaths, imposter syndrome, depression...yeah, 2020 was a very shitty year for me. I have already taken a million hot baths and drank a lot of Rosés to process it all, and we are still within the first month on the calendar.

Now I am not the one who thinks a new year is a symbol of an ultimate change, but I am the one who takes what the past year has given me and use those to my advantage in the upcoming year. For myself, I like to think lyrics of “Blackbird” by the Beatles (if you do not know, look it up on Spotify) as a starting point:

“Take these broken wings and learn to fly”

I sure do as hell have my own set of broken wings here. I changed the bandages so often in my life; it is just this year, I used a lot more than I usually do in a year. 

Everyone has broken wings; we just have to learn to fly with them. You can’t just wait for them to heal completely, or we will have wasted time on our hands. We just have to learn how to work with them and become better birds in the sky. If we have to avoid the woods with high trees, then we will. If we have to slow down when soaring through the skies, then we will. We just have to make accommodations for ourselves to live better in this world (I am disabled, I know this shit works.)

Everyone is different, but we are all the same in the sense of moving forward. Again as I wrote earlier, I take things from the past and use them to my future advantage. Like my grandfather’s good grip on life, I know I have to get a hold like his to keep going regardless of what happened. 

Just to be clear: I am not 100% okay. I have time to grieve what I lost and heal from what was thrown at me. We all have time. Again, a new year is not always a perfect starting point to a new beginning of a chapter. In fact, that can happen at any time. But when that starting point is near, just keep in mind that it was waiting for you.

“All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise”