A Fighter, I am
I am scared of becoming vulnerable. I am already vulnerable by just existing as a human being who is autistic, queer, and female. Yet, I am afraid of this type of vulnerability. I have debated with myself on writing and posting this. I have said that I write with hopes of those who read will not feel alone. I need to challenge myself, especially in a time like this.
I have never shared this online and thought I would do it by doing something I love: writing it.
I am a survivor.
I am a survivor of sexual assault.
It has been over four years. It is my darkest secret. Being a victim of sexual violence has made me feel dirty. I had experienced days when I thought no amount of showers I can take would wash off this feeling of filth, and I still experience those days.
As a woman who dedicated herself to the studies and involvement in church, I never thought this would happen to me. I was a good young woman who had God on her side and has never been in trouble, been fired, or been to a party. That did not give me automatic protection, though. I became a victim. I am autistic, and I thought I would never experience such a thing because of my internalized ableism.
Of course, someone will ask me, “Why didn’t you report it?” Here’s a thing that still troubles me today, I did not know what happened was wrong. I felt dirty, I felt violated in a way no soul should, yet I did not know much about sexual assault. Of course, it ate me up and occupied my mind while it affected my relationships. But, I dismissed it as something that will go away with time. I was in ultimate denial and even denied to God as a way to erase the history. Until I came across the internet. I read the definitions and read resources that explain what defines it as such. It fit the description. Now I want to add; I learned what it was a year and a half after it happened.
That was when I broke down emotionally and went to a family member to disclose what happened to me. I also sat down with my therapist and talked about it.
I did not answer a question because I felt I needed to explain myself. No victim should have to explain themselves to be validated. I answered that question to show that not everyone knows the details of sexual violence and what it can look like. That fact is sad, and it is even more painful that there still people in my community (disabled, LGBTQA+, or women) who do not know what sexual violence is.
It has been four years, and I am still struggling with the damages I did not cause. I looked up the individual just a few weeks ago on social media and became pissed off to see how their life has become better while I just talked with my therapist about coping mechanisms when triggered. Life sucks, and it is not fair. It looks like that they have won, but no.
I, however, refuse to lose to this individual who put me through hell. I refuse to let them win. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I have survived the worst thing that has happened to me, and I will survive life.
Life is still hard for me. I still get triggered. I am still having trouble getting comfortable with relationships and my sexuality. I am still having trouble not blaming myself for what happened. Here’s one thing that I have learned, and someone who has gone through the same thing should know themselves: it is not your fault. It was not my fault. I did not do anything to provoke this individual. I did not invite them to violate me. I did nothing wrong.
We live in a hostile, dark world where more people will experience sexual violence. That makes me angry. I know I am not the only one who wants to snap their fingers, and it could erase such action from humanity. What we can do, however, is help the community of survivors by giving them validation and security. Let’s not make them feel alone. Whoever that may be (not in order because everyone is important and valid):
Those who are your family
Those who are your friends
Those who work with you
Those who you work for
Those who you go to school with
Those who you teach
Those who you love
Those who love you
Everyone
For those who are reading this and in pain, I believe you. I feel you. I am here for you. Clouds have to produce rain to show the sun, and you have every right to cry before smiling. There is nothing wrong with having a bad day. I still have them. You will be okay yet stronger in the end. How do I know? Because I am living it. I am a survivor, and so are you.
If you experienced sexual violence and need help, please call National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit online.rainn.org. This is a safe, confidential service that will connect you to the nearest sexual assault service provider that will help you.