Healing and Living Life after Narcissist Relationships
Multiple people have pointed out that I am very apologetic, and I have to agree with them.
Am I proud? Oh, hell no. It is annoying as hell. Even when I am aware and try not to do so, it slips out from time to time.
I apologize for every little thing. Even for the silliest things, such as texting them first. I was taught that you should apologize when you do something wrong when I was younger. Not for the simplest things when you are not at fault, but when I am in abusive relationships, I find myself apologizing to my narcissistic partners for everything, even when I have done nothing wrong.
Many have opinions on the most challenging part of abusive relationships (and there is no wrong answer). Still, for most (especially myself), I find that the most challenging part is after the relationship has ended and you are stuck with the behavior you had during the relationship that you can’t shake yourself out of.
Going back into the dating world just months after I ended my engagement to a narcissist, toxic person turned out to be much harder than I realized. I kept apologizing on a date I had a while ago, and the person pointed that out. I wish I could have explained why, but who in the hell thinks it is a good idea to tell the person you just met that you just got out of a toxic relationship? That is a big-ass book to open and to read within one day.
That is what these relationships will do to you: you can’t relax. You can’t trust people, you walk on eggshells with everyone (including your family who loves you), and you even still have doubts about yourself. Even with therapy, these behaviors do not change overnight, making you not want to get into an intimate, romantic relationship ever again (which is valid and understandable). Not only you can’t relax like you used to, you feel angry. And you feel the anger from all sorts of places.
From time to time, I find myself very pissed off about this whole thing. I am pissed at my ex-partners for treating me so horribly, and I am pissed at myself as I think I allowed it to happen (even though that is not true).
And you feel like a burden to everyone you come across, whether it is a date or your family. I am lucky to have family and friends who are there to reassure me and help me get back to that space where I am relaxed and let my guard down with everyone.
You are left to clean a huge, nasty mess that you did not even make in the first place, and it is not fair.
These abusive relationships shape who you are as a person. I have every right to blame those who traumatized me, but I have to look at myself to work hard to become a stronger person from it. Because you can’t go back to the person you were before the trauma (whatever that is). You do not want to be the rookie again; you’ll want to be the soldier with battle scars who knows how to operate the weapons to defend yourself from the enemy.
Even though abusive partners change who you are, you can’t let them win after leaving. Narcissists want to damage everyone who trusts them (that I have learned the hard way), leaving them unable to trust the world and themselves. You can’t let that happen. Even though the world can be cruel, there are still good people deserving of your time within it. There is someone who will love you (ALL OF YOU), and you will find that love does not have to hurt.
Healing is not straightforward; you will have good days and bad days. But you will become stronger and not let your narcissist ex ruin your life. You already won the battle by walking away; you will win by becoming stronger and living your life happy again.